Conflict in the Boardroom Summary for School Leaders:
The Keys to Communication
in Educational Leadership
The Keys to Communication
in Educational Leadership
Our purpose as a school board is to serve our students, families, teachers, administrators and communities, working together to find optimal solutions that ultimately support the education and well-being of our youth. Even with our best intentions, however, we often get bogged down by differing viewpoints, misunderstandings, and sometimes even outright conflict. What is in our power to operate together differently, effectively and for the well-being of young people? The answer is how we show up: it is our self-leadership.
The tools I will share—self-leadership, the P.A.U.S.E.™ model, and rupture and repair—are universal. They can be applied to friendships, family life, parenting, romantic relationships: virtually any situation where conflict may arise.
It is important to note that these concepts are presented at an introductory level. While they may appear simple, they can take a lifetime to master. Internal Family Systems (IFS)®, while originally developed as a psychotherapeutic approach, is a powerful framework for leadership. It proposes that we are composed of different “parts”—some reactive, some wounded and some wise. Our “self” is the calm, connected, centered core of who we are, the person we are when we are not reacting from fight, flight, or freeze. Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, identified eight essential qualities of the self: calm, compassion, curiosity, clarity, courage, confidence, creativity and connectedness. These are not abstract virtues; they are embodied experiences we can access, especially during times of relational strain. As we learn to recognize and lead the different parts of ourselves within, and access our core self, we have enhanced capacity to connect and lead with others.
Self-Leadership
Imagine a moment of zen: when you participated in a physical activity and everything felt just right, danced in a completely embodied way, played the musical piece we loved exactly right. Imagine the moment when we are creating art or music, or a physical activity when everything just fell perfectly into place. That is what it is like to be self-led. That moment when you step in the boardroom knowing that you have the presence to be with this group and move it towards productive time together.
Noticing Your Self-Leadership: Reflection Prompts
- When was the last time you felt calm?
- Was there a time you felt curious, instead of judgmental?
- Think about the last time you felt connected to another person, nature, or something bigger.
- Think about when you felt clear-headed, like you could see a situation with open heartedness.
- When did you notice you had a choice in how you responded to something, instead of just reacting?
- When did you have a moment of creativity—a new solution or idea?
- What helped you feel wise and open hearted?
This happens before we enter the boardroom. It happens when we take a moment and center ourselves and P.A.U.S.E. The P.A.U.S.E. for Self-Leadership model was developed by Joanna Curry-Sartori, LMFT, Founder of the Self-Leadership Collaborative. It is a framework for cultivating self-leadership in education. P.A.U.S.E. is being practiced in school communities around the world to empower self-awareness and enhance capacity for collaboration. Realizing this shift in our way of being begins with us, the adults, the leaders of the community—yes, our well-being matters. It is inspired by IFS. It helps us to respond to challenges with the 8 C’s, it is especially useful in high-stress or emotionally charged moments.
In boardrooms, being self-led means recognizing when a part is activated, such as feeling attacked or needing to win an argument, and choosing to P.A.U.S.E.—to breathe, reflect, and reconnect with self before responding. When we are self-led, we approach conflict with an open mind and heart. Self has no agenda or defensiveness, only a desire to restore harmony. Self has the desire to restore harmony internally and within the group.
One practical way to access self-energy is through the P.A.U.S.E. framework, developed by Joanna Curry-Sartori. Inspired by IFS, P.A.U.S.E. supports emotional regulation and clear communication in high-stress situations.
P.A.U.S.E. for Self-Leadership™ Framework:
- P.A.U.S.E.: Ask yourself, “What is happening right now outside and inside me?” Ground yourself in the calm, centered qualities of self. Am I my best self? Step back, breathe, find the calm.
- Aware of Myself: Observe your internal reactions. Notice which parts are showing up and acknowledge their positive intent.
- Understand Each Other: Get curious about the other person’s perspective. Listen with empathy and speak authentically. What is the other person’s perspective and needs? Listen to “get” the other person. Speak for the different parts of you.
- Search for Solutions: Ask what the situation needs to repair and move forward. Brainstorm possibilities. Respond with clarity, courage and mutual respect.
- Experiment in Action: Try something new. Be creative and open and follow up after interactions to reinforce repair and understanding.
P.A.U.S.E. is not passive. It is a radical act of leadership.
When a board member P.A.U.S.E.s before reacting, they create space for reflection instead of reactivity, invite others into dialogue rather than debate, and model emotional regulation in high-stakes moments.
This is not about being perfect, it is about being intentional. The power lies in knowing how to P.A.U.S.E. and realign with self before responding. P.A.U.S.E. and self are where transformation begins and are the doorway to repair.
What Is Rupture and Repair?
In psychological terms, a rupture refers to any disruption in the emotional connection between individuals. It could be a misunderstanding, a disagreement, a tone of voice or a moment of feeling dismissed. It does not require shouting or explosive emotion. Small moments can fracture trust and safety, especially in professional environments where decorum often masks deeper discomfort.
Repair is the intentional process of restoring that connection. It involves acknowledging the break, taking responsibility, validating the other person’s experience and trying to move forward together. In families, friendships, romantic partnerships and boardrooms, repair is what separates conflict that erodes relationships from conflict that strengthens them.
The Psychology Behind Connection
At the heart of every relationship is emotional connection and disconnection. These occur on a continuum. Sometimes we feel more emotionally connected, sometimes less. We can return to connection when we have the skill set of repair.
In my clinical work, I have found that most adults grew up without witnessing rupture and repair being modeled effectively. This means many have no blueprint for navigating relational breakdown. The ability to engage in repair builds emotional resilience, fortifies trust and fosters a sense of safety.
For superintendents, the ability to repair relationships after tension or disagreement is not just helpful—it is critical.
Six Steps of Effective Repair
These steps provide a clear roadmap for acknowledging and restoring connection after a rupture:
- Acknowledge the rupture and initiate the apology Recognize that something went wrong. Example: “I want to apologize for tonight. I appreciate your feedback about my tone.”
- Take responsibility for your behavior Own your impact. Example: “I’m sorry my tone was dismissive. I genuinely wanted you to feel included in the event.”
- Recognize impact over intent Good intentions do not negate harm. Example: “I can see that my intent didn’t match the impact. I’m sorry for the harm I caused.”
- State your feelings about the impact Express empathy and care. Example: “I feel disappointed that my words hurt you. That wasn’t my goal, and I care about repairing this.”
- Engage in active listening and compassionate communication Invite dialogue to ensure mutual understanding. Example: “Do you feel heard and understood? Is there anything else I need to know?”
- Make amends and commit to change Follow through with behavioral shifts and revisit the conversation if needed. Example: “Going forward, I’ll be more mindful of my tone and check in if things feel tense.”
Tips for Cultivating a Culture of Repair
- Emphasize impact over intent. Validate others’ experiences without defensiveness.
- Avoid dismissive phrases such as “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- Use humor mindfully. It should never minimize or deflect accountability.
- Reaffirm commitment to the relationship. Show that you care and are willing to invest in its growth.
- Stay curious, not judgmental. Ask open questions and explore how your actions affected others.
Groups that learn to weather interpersonal storms become stronger collaborators and leaders.
Educational systems thrive when leadership is relational, not just procedural. In schools, students observe how adults model communication, accountability and repair. They learn more from how we treat each other than from policy manuals.
Superintendents and board members who practice rupture and repair send a powerful message:
- Relationships matter
- Mistakes are not fatal
- Healing is possible
Teams can grow stronger after conflict
As educators, we aim to build resilient children. That begins with modeling resilience ourselves—in how we handle disagreement, discomfort and repair.
Here is an example for how superintendents can use self-leadership, the P.A.U.S.E. model, and practice repairing the rupture.
Board member Mr. Daniels, a former coach, challenged her proposal sharply: “This feels like a slap in the face to our student athletes. Are you even listening to the community?”
The comment stung. A part of Dr. Thompson felt attacked and misunderstood. Her instinct was to defend the data and her intentions. But instead, she P.A.U.S.E.D.
Dr. Thompson recognized that her reactive part was activated. She took a breath and centered herself, accessing her self energy—calm, curious, and connected. She silently asked, “Can I respond from clarity and compassion rather than defensiveness?”
She remembered the eight C’s of Self:
- Calm
- Compassion
- Curiosity
- Clarity
- Courage
- Confidence
- Creativity
- Connectedness
She chose to lead from that place.
Before speaking, she ran through the P.A.U.S.E. model in her mind:
- P.A.U.S.E.: She grounded herself in her intention to lead with integrity.
- Aware: She noticed her internal reaction and acknowledged her part that felt criticized.
- Understand: She got curious about Mr. Daniels’ perspective.
- Search for Solutions: She considered what the moment needed—connection, not control.
- Experiment: She chose connection over argument
She said: “Mr. Daniels, I hear your concern, and I appreciate your advocacy for our athletes. I want to acknowledge that my proposal may have felt abrupt. That wasn’t my intention. I’d like to revisit this with the board and explore how we can support both mental health and athletics.”
Later that week, Dr. Thompson reached out to Mr. Daniels privately. She followed the six steps of repair:
- Acknowledged the rupture: “I sensed tension during our exchange.” (This is pausing with another, naming what is happening.)
- Took responsibility: “I may not have communicated the proposal clearly.” (This comes from awareness of her own parts)
- Recognized impact over intent: “Even with good intentions, I see how it felt dismissive.” (This also comes from awareness.)
- Expressed empathy: “I value your perspective and regret any hurt caused.” (This is the understanding step, seeing the parts coming up from another and acknowledging them)
- Listened actively: “What would help you feel heard moving forward?” (This is the searching step— looking for possibility)
- Committed to change: “I’ll ensure future proposals include broader input.” (This is experiment- suggesting a new course of action).
Mr. Daniels responded with appreciation. Their relationship strengthened, and the board adopted a revised plan that honored both priorities.
The superintendent used the P.A.U.S.E. framework to thoughtfully prepare for her conversation with Mr. Daniels. She continued to apply the model throughout their dialogue, which helped her guide the discussion with clarity and intention. By following the P.A.U.S.E. steps, she led the conversation from her best self—demonstrating strong self-leadership.
Self-leadership involves both intrapersonal awareness (how we understand and manage ourselves) and interpersonal effectiveness (how we engage and influence others).
As leaders, we have the power to transform our small corner of the world. We do this through being in self-leadership, which elevates the quality of the conversation and models the kind of leadership that fosters trust, growth, and meaningful connection.
Conclusion
Rupture and repair are a vital relational skill that can transform the culture of any group, especially superintendents and school boards. By learning to name ruptures, actively engage in repair and implement clear communication strategies, board members cultivate a climate of emotional intelligence, trust, and collaboration.
Boards that embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth and practice intentional repair are better equipped to lead their districts, support their communities, and model the values they hope to instill in students. When even one person practices showing up with self-leadership, it inspires and spreads to others, impacting the group’s capacity to connect and ultimately work together productively for the greater good.
Natalie Baker, LPC (she/they) is a seasoned psychotherapist and education leader who blends Internal Family Systems, relational practices, and humanistic approaches to foster compassionate conflict resolution. With over two decades of experience, her work champions equity and emotional wellness, bridging the gap between adult healing and student success.
